This school year I am a private tutor here in fair Brooklyn, traveling on my bike between clients’ homes when the weather is nice. (Yes, it’s dreamy.) It usually goes quite smoothly…until early last evening, when I dropped my keys through a grate and into an Alice-in-Wonderland hole about two stories deep. I’m standing there in the dark, bike still locked to a railing, 15 minutes from my next session, listening to my life tink-tink-tink its way into a distinctly different Monday night.
Apparently my efforts to build an ADHD-proof single woman’s existence came in handy as I attempted to remedy this problem. Simply follow these steps should you or a friend ever encounter such a situation:
How to Lose Your Keys
- Tell yourself to solve one problem at a time.
- Send craziest email ever to cancel last session. Remind yourself to get that phone number later.
- Follow random old lady into unknown building. Explore the basement. Find the office. Take pictures of the super’s phone number written on the whiteboard on the door. This will help you eventually get the key to your safe back, which you maybe don’t have a spare for at home.
- Go home.
- Use your negligent landlord’s crazy rock pile to hide a fake rock with your keys in it. Get keys.
- Use extra Clinique Bonus Days bags to keep all bike accessories organized. Get spare bike key.
- Jump back on subway to retrieve bike.
- Pretend you’re on the last episode of Grace and Frankie. Slo-mo strut to bike with unknown hiphop track playing in your head because you are a badass.
Total problem-solving time: 40 minutes
Because when you are wired for disaster, you anticipate disaster, baby!